Every Sunday around 3:00 p.m., without fail, my brain switches into get ready for Monday mode. Meal prepping, putting away the final folds of laundry, and promising myself I will go to bed earlier when I know I won’t, have all become part of my getting back to the work week routine. Recently, while speaking with a co-worker, I realized that there was another part of preparing for Monday. That is the inevitable small talk conversations bound to start as soon as I step out of the elevator doors. Almost like a movie where you can figure out the plot in the first few minutes, I have come to be able to predict the top small talk conversations of my week. Monday owns the “how was your weekend?” conversation and odes about how short it often is and how quickly it passes. Tuesday shares the weekend questions as well and makes room for talk about the current state of the weather. By Wednesday, the conversation shifts to glee about making it to the middle week and maybe highlights from a game or news story. Thursday, or Friday Eve as I have come to call it, circles back about plans for the upcoming weekend and finally it’s Friday again! Friday ushers in conversations about what one may or may not be doing over the weekend but it is always accompanied by well wishes and the preparation for the cycle to start again three days later. While the predictability of small talk conversations in the office or places where people may not be familiar with one another humored me, I began to think of the times I lean on the weather and the weekend when I do not know what else to say because it’s safe and if I am being honest, is easy. Whether you love it, loathe it, or fall somewhere in-between, at its core, small talk is an opportunity to connect with others. With this in mind, I challenged myself to practice the many ways to take talks that at times can feel routine to next level for conversations that could be more meaningful. These tips are what help me the most. preparationLike the popular adage says, “if you stay ready you won’t have to get ready.” The same applies to small talk. Being prepared with a few go-to open ended questions can turn a small run-in into a notable moment of catching up. Keeping questions in your pocket such as, “what are you looking forward to this week?” or “what travel plans do you have coming up or what places are next on your list?”, elicit more from the person you are chatting with and can be a good starting point for further conversation or just enough to get through the walk to your next meeting. Preparation can also come in the form of studying someone you admire with great conversation. From powerhouse interviewers like Oprah Winfrey to those co-workers or friends that know how to work a room like no other, take note of the way they ask questions and how they follow up. Keen in on how they deal with pauses and how others respond to their conversation. A quick study the next time you catch an interview with your favorite TV personality, podcast host, or someone who seems good at making conversation can be a masterclass in upping your small talk and going beyond knowing what to say next. listen intentlyThere are levels to listening. Literally. As noted in the book Co-Active Coaching, level one is internal listening, level two is focused listening, and level three is global listening. Level one is common and occurs when people are listening to respond, often times thinking about what to say next or easily distracted by what is going on around the room. Level two listening goes deeper and is when one is completely and totally focused on what the other person is saying in the moment. Level three listening involves great focus and attention on not only what the person is saying but their body language, energy, tone and intuitively being able to recognize the deeper meaning behind what someone has said and the manner in which they have said it. While level three listening takes great practice, going into conversations with the intention to listen to understand and taking a genuine interest in what the other person is saying can be ways to start further enhancing your small talk skills. In one of my favorite classics, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, he discusses the impact taking an interest in others has. While speaking with a botanist at a dinner party, Carnegie talks about how he leaned in to listen to the man speak about his work. “I listened intently,” Carnegie says. “I listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we pay anyone.” Taking a genuine interest in others can best take root in engaging the other person to speak with a follow up question. If someone shares that they’re looking forward to going to a concert an authentic follow up question could be, “at what moment did you know you were truly a fan of that artist?” Genuine curiosity can also come in the form as a check in from a previous conversation. The key here is the act of remembering a hobby or event someone was looking forward to and revisit the topic by asking questions like, “how was your trip to visit your new nephew? I know you had been looking forward to it” or “tell me about how the Paint and Sip event was. Are you really a Basquiat in the making like you were saying last week?” Overtime, these kinds of engagements help build trust, rapport, and are a solid way to be someone known for good conversation. stick with it and practiceWhether it’s a game night with friends, a conference cocktail party, or a quick run in with a fellow co-worker, small talk will always be a cornerstone in the ways we connect with others. Like anything one would like to improve upon or do to keep their skills sharp, being a good conversationalist takes practice.
I recently experienced this first hand at work while waiting for an elevator. There was a man waiting along with me and while we initially exchanged polite smiles we stood in silence as we waited for what was much longer than normal for the elevator to arrive. I finally decided to break the ice by making a joke about how if I was once able to wait 10 minutes for a download on dial-up internet then I should have enough patience to wait for an elevator. The man laughed and responded, “yeah, me too that used to be the worst.” I then followed up by asking him the longest he remembers ever waiting for a webpage to load to which he laughed again and proceeded to tell his story as the elevator bell chimed and we both stepped in. Though our actual conversation lasted about one minute and a half, I was able to network with someone outside of my department whom, if my phone had not been at the bottom of my bag, I may not have met otherwise. I tell this story to not only show how often an opportunity to practice small talk can appear but also that it does not need to be a long conversation. With busy work days and pinging notifications vying for our attention, it can sometimes feel difficult to want to connect with someone on a genuine level without feeling like you have to cut things short but the truth is people can understand and empathize with the need to be on the go. Taking the seconds or few minutes out of a day to be fully present when connecting with someone can lead to meaningful conversation and even lasting relationships. It just takes a bit of work and consistency. In the bevy of amazing lessons Maya Angelou shared with the world, one of my favorites is her quote about how people will forget what you have said but will never forget how you made them feel. Taking time to curate and be aware of the experience people have when chatting with you is an important and lasting impression, especially if it’s the first. How do you want people to walk away feeling after a conversation with you? Get ready for it.
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